


hey, love

by troubledidiots



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Break Up, College AU, Conflicted Emotions, F/M, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Getting Back Together, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Post Break Up, Punk!Yamaguchi, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, also tsukki keeps his feelings to himself, also yamaguchi and tsukki are roommates, anxious tsukki, bokuto akaashi and kuroo are roommates, confident yamaguchi, did i mention yachi and yama are dating, insecure tsukki, probably, probably ooc characters but i'll try my best, tsukishima centric, tsukki thinks a lot, yama has lotsa piercings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:44:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledidiots/pseuds/troubledidiots
Summary: "Ooh, love, no one's ever gonna hurt you, love.I'm gonna give you all of my love.Nobody matters like you."Yeah, right. I'm just an arrogant, worthless coward. A liar who doesn't deserve anything. I'm nothing, a nobody. I'm just.. Tsukishima Kei.//Tsukishima couldn't handle his conflicted feelings anymore- he just couldn't take it, and so he didn't. And so, why was he still crying in bed on cold nights when they didn't matter anymore?





	1. Chapter 1

It was nights like these that Tsukishima hated. These sleepless nights where he'd lay in bed and think about his life choices. Which would lead to thoughts about  _them._ His ex-lovers. The time they spent together, their kisses, their cuddles-

 

And the fact that he ruined their tranquil world.

 

Tsukishima closed his eyes and tried to sleep, his heart pounding hard against his chest. He wasn't supposed to think about them, he was over them, he didn't need them. They were  _past._

 

He cringed as pictures of them started to fill his mind, immediately snapping his eyes open, trying to block out every memory of them. Kuroo's shit eating grin, Bokuto's smile, Akaashi's soft laughter-

 

 **No, no, no, no.** Years after and he was still thinking about them-

 

_Pathetic._

 

So fucking pathetic.

 

He felt tears welled up in his eyes as the memories came flooding back.

 

It's been years since he left them, and here he was, 3 am crying in bed like the pathetic being he was. 

 

He missed them so, so much-

 

But it doesn't matter now, he doesn't matter. He never did.

 

And it's not like, they ever liked him anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, this is super short cuz it's just the prologue. this is my first time writing chapter fics so like !!! yea idr know what i'm doing lol. the lyrics in the summary "rockabye" by clean bandit !! this fic is kinda inspired by me and my conflicted feelings about ### and i'm basically just ranting everything out in this fic.. yeah a bad excuse for me to rant hahaha, welp, don't expect frquent updates bc i'm a pro procrastinator !! also pls tell me if there are any mistakes cuz idh an editor or wtv


	2. Chapter 2

"Tsukki! Wait up!" a familiar voice called out.

 

 Tsukishima whipped his head around to his best friend running towards him, struggling to put some books into his bag. He paused as Yamaguchi caught up to him. Yamaguchi had changed a lot since high school. He was no longer a pushover, and stopped following Tsukishima around like a lost puppy. He was much more confident than he ever was, and undeniably, more attractive after growing out his hair and getting multiple piercings. Girls practically drooled over him as he passed by them, sadly, with no chance of a relationship. Well, at least not with his girlfriend on the watch. They were practically in their own little world when they were together. They were one of those disgustingly sweet couples who spoon fed each other in restaurants with some type of lovey-dovey aura surrounding them.

 

Tsukishima remembered the time Kuroo spoon fed Bokuto in some family restaurant, after being rejected by both him and Akaashi. The both didn't mind the stares they got- even putting on a show for the onlookers- as he and Akaashi pretended as if they were strangers to the other two. It was pretty hard considering the fact that the four of them were sitting at the same table with Bokuto calling out to them to join in.

 

The time spent with them was precious as Tsukishima lived all the way in Sendai. Long distance relationships were hard, he was always the one left out. The three of them were always going out together, sending him pictures with an 'We miss you, Kei!' followed by dozens of heart emojis. He knew it couldn't be help, it wasn't their fault but there was always a voice at the back of his head telling him-  _maybe  they don't love you anymore- they probably never did. They probably just took pity on you and-_

 

Tsukishima felt chills run down his spine.

 

"-cause you were taking too long on the phone with Yachi," Tsukishima told Yamauchi apathetically, causing the latter to blush.

 

 "Geez, Tsukki, you know we attend different colleges so I take every moment I can to talk to her."

 

 "I swear, if I hear another 'I love you more, Hitoka!', I'm moving out," Tsukishima grumbled, increasing his pace as he walked off.

 

 "Tsukki!! Wait for me!!" the freckled boy cried out, trying to catch up to the tall blond.

 

**~*~**

 

_"I'm done."_

 

  _Tsukishima stared at the door in front of him. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. He could feel three pair of eyes boring into his head. Silence filled the gym, which was unusual due to Bokuto's loud nature._

 

_He could feel his palms getting sweaty as he continued,"Sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I don't think the long distance would work out. Besides, the three of you have each other-"_

 

_He realised how the last part made him sound insecure and jealous. So he added on, heart pounding at the careless slip-up,"You'll soon forget me."_

 

" _What the hell do you mean, Kei?!" Kuroo shouted._

 

_Kuroo shouted at him._

 

_Him._

 

_Kuroo was angry at him. But it's alright. It's okay. He was just a nuisance- A hindrance._

 

_Tsukishima took a deep breath as he turned his head around, giving the three of them his usual provoking smirk._

 

" _It's not like I'll have a future with the three of you anyways."_

 

_He didn't turn back as he walked out, ignoring their screams towards him. How they could work things out- How they still loved him-_

 

**_Lies._ **

 

_There wasn't any hope left._

**~*~**

 

"-and she got so nervous she fainte-"

 

Tsukishima tuned out on Yachi's story as he stared outside. The skies were blue, without a single trace of clouds. 

 

_What would it be like to fly away? Leave everyone behind. It's okay, I'm not needed here.. If I flew off, no one would care, well, maybe my family, Tadashi.. Yachi, too, I guess. But no one else would.. I'm just a pain in the ass for everyone.. If i could fly.. If only I could fly.. I'd soar up so high that I 'd be all on my own._

 

The cafe belles rang, signaling another customer but Tsukishima paid no mind. His thoughts were far away until he heard a voice that made his heart stop.

 

"Bro, apparently they have a new dessert on the menu!"

 

"What?! I've been craving Aki's cheesecake the whole day but I really-"

 

Tsukishima turned around to see two familiar faces. He couldn't breathe.

 

_No, no, no. Why are they here?_

 

"Geez, when is Keiji coming?! He's late!"

 

_And Akaashi is coming too- Oh my God I need to- I need to-_

 

Tsukishima panicked. He grabbed all his books from the table and shoved them in his bag. He had to leave, he couldn't stay here any longer- He can't face them- Not now- Not ev-

 

"Tsukki? Where are you going?"

 

"I'm going home," he replied coolly, despite his racing heart.

 

"What? But Tsukki-"

 

"I'll see you at home, Tadashi." Tsukishima stood up abruptly, dashing out of the cafe the moment he saw Bokuto and Kuroo ordering.

 

And just like that day, he didn't turn back as he ran as far as he could from that place.

 

If he did, though, he would have noticed the pair of dark eyes watching him.

 

"...Kei?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy, i didn't expect to update so soon, don't expect quick updates cuz i'm a lazy fuck lol, i updated today cuz, like i said before, this book is basically me ranting out my feelings and shit and i had a shit day today. sorry for the shit quality work tho, i'm a shitty writer lol and i rly need to stop cussing so much. it's like 4 am tf am i even doing up lmao. thanks for the nice comments btw, they cheered me up a lot and i guess i also kinda felt bad if i took too long to update bc i have such nice readers lmao, anyways happy reading !!! and thx for clicking on this shitty ass fic and also i've changed the tags a bit so like ye and i'm not sure if i should write smut so ratings may change any time, but i'll warn u guys abt it !!! btw sorry if this chap is too short hahaha, oya also pls tell me if i made any mistakes, thanks !!!


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was starting to set by the time Tsukishima reached his shared apartment. After running off, he'd went to a nearby bookstore. He felt a little bad for leaving Yamaguchi and Yachi without a clear reason but he suspected that they didn't mind at all, though, Yamaguchi was sure to bombard him with questions at home.

 

"Tsukki, you're back," Yamaguchi stated, his eyes not leaving the television in front of him, "What was all that about?"

 

"That-" he croaked out, after a period of silence. He cleared his throat and said again,"That was nothing.. I just had to- to leave. It was getting too crowded in there."

 

Yamaguchi frowned. He always did when he knew Tsukishima was lying to him. Ever since they were little, Yamaguchi could always see through Tsukishima; his lies, and his act. He knew Tsukishima had changed, since the training camp with Fukurodani and Nekoma back when they were still in high school. It was barely noticeable, but Yamaguchi saw it. He always did. But he never pried. He always thought that Tsukishiima would tell him once he was ready- _but when was that?_

 

He knew Tsukishima hated sharing his feelings and he respected that but it hurt him a little as to how Tsukishima barely shared anything  _with him._ He had always prided himself ons being Tsukishima's best friend, the Tsukishima whom no one could get close to. Ever since the day Tsukishima saved him from those damn bullies, he stuck to the tall blond like a magnet. Sure, Tsukishima would tell him certain things he wouldn't tell anyone else, but he never told him anything too personal- or whatever it was that bothered him.

 

A part of Yamaguchi just wants to trap Tsukishima in his arms and ask him what was wrong, to cry together with him and comfort him- to tell him it was all going to be alright even when it wasn't. And honestly, he just wants the best for his best friend.

 

Yamaguchi frowned as he watched Tsukishima walk back to his room.

 

This all had something to do with Kuroo and Bokuto. It was something that happened on that night of the training camp, so it _definitely_ involved them. The night where he saw Tsukishima walked in with a tear-stained face. The night where he heard sniffles from under Tsukishima's covers as he pretended to sleep.

 

Not to mention, the fact Tsukishima looked so panic-stricken and left _immediately_  when Bokuto and Kuroo walked in definitely added to the list of suspicions.

 

He was starting to get tired of Tsukishima's pretense. The sobs in the middle of the night broke his heart each time. He couldn't just do nothing. _He was Tsukishima's best friend for goodness sake._

 

Yamaguchi took out his phone and sent a quick text as he stared at the empty space where Tsukishima had just been.

 

_Fine, Tsukki. If you won't tell me anything. Then I'll have to find it out myself._

 

**~*~**

 

**From: Tadashi**

tsukki!! want to study at the cafe aft class??

 

**From: Tadashi**

w hitoka

 

Tsukishima stared at the messages, in deep thought. Yamaguchi was always inviting him to go out with Yachi and him so it wasn't awkward but he knew that he may run into Kuroo or Bokuto in the same cafe, just as what had happened the last time, and maybe even worse- Akaashi would be with them.

 

He ran off in panic yesterday, not able to look at the two or even process anything. A little voice in him told him- he should apologise, try to be on speaking terms with them again. To stop running away from them and face them properly.

 

He shut that voice down, taking out his phone and texting Yamaguchi back.

 

**To: Tadashi**

sorry, don't feel like it today.

 

**From: Tadashi**

aww:(( okay tsukki

 

He knew Yamaguchi was worried for him- especially after what had happened yesterday but he just wanted to be alone. He was always isolating himself from everyone else, looking down on them with mock confidence and pretending to laugh off every hurtful thing they said to him.

 

The fear of people finding out what he was like behind those layers of mask made him paranoid. He surrounded himself with walls, not letting even a single person in. He stopped talking to everyone about his problems until he forgot how to. It scared him so much for someone to find out how he was like so he stopped talking about himself until he didn't even how know to ask for help.

 

And so like a baby, he just cried and cried every night till he couldn't even breathe.

 

"They're past _,"_ he'd tell himself everyday.

 

"They don't matter anymore."

 

_And why should I care about people who didn't care about me?_

 

**~*~**

  

"Kei?"

 

Tsukishima froze.

 

The voice was gentle. Familiarity swept through him and made his stomach churn. He felt his heart quivering as he stared at the unclear words on the page of his book. His headphones around his ears were silent.

 

He pretended not to hear. He pretended that the headphones covered every sound from the outside world, that the words on his book was far too interesting for him to ignore. He pretended that the presence in front of him wasn't there.

 

"Kei."

 

The voice was louder, more confident after moments of silence.

 

_Pretend he's not there.. He'll leave. Pretend he's not ther-_

 

"Kei, I know you can see me."

 

Tsukishima snapped his book close and turned his head up, eyes clashing with the dark shade of green.

 

 He felt like trapped. All hard work in destroying every memory of them was gone. He was reminded by Akaashi's calm nature and gentle touches. Fear started to envelope his heart as memories came flooding back to him. He quickly broke off eye contact as those beautiful eyes of his started analysing him.

 

_He was terrified of Akaashi but he couldn't show it._

 

_He wasn't allowed to show weakness. He wasn't allowed to be pathetic._

 

_If I ran now, would Akaashi run after me? Can i beat him in speed? What if he follows me home? Then he'll know where I leave? I have to leave as soon as possible. I'll just greet him and make small talk and then run off. I'll pretend that never happened and then I'll spend the rest of my days avoiding them-_

 

"I've missed you, Kei."

 

Tsukishima could feel a single part of him break- shattering into billions of pieces.

 

Like the part of him that broke that day.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back !! so a few days ago, a friend of mine told me i was "emotionally unstable" and then proceeded to leave me and idk man feels a bit weird, but anyways, here's the new chap!! we have some yama pov and akaashi and tsukki finally meet. hehe who knows what yams is gon do next? and i def can't wait for kuroo and bokuto to meet tsukki hehehe i would say more but idw to spoil you tbh every time i write a chapter i feel like it's not rly dat good but like ugh wtv who cares what i think, this chap is hopefully a bit longer, it's like 4 am rn and my friend is d o n e with me HAHAHA okay imma stop talking now, happy reading !! and as usual, pls tell me if there are any mistakes i made and p.s if any of you could recommend a good tododeku fic that'd bE GREAT, THANK !! <2


	4. Chapter 4

Apparently hanging around the campus after classes wasn't such a good idea, after all. Really, all Tsukishima wanted was a day to himself, maybe delve in deep into his thoughts and try to sort his feelings out- most likely failing to do so- followed by a distraction to pretend that it hadn't happened at all.

 

He should have just taken up Yamaguchi's offer earlier, it would have most likely saved him from further heartbreak. God probably thought it'd be funny to watch Tsukishima panic, I mean, first it was Bokuto and Kuroo whom  _thankfully_ didn't notice him and then now was Akaashi Keiji, standing right in front of him. He shouldn't have looked up, he should have just continued with his obvious pretense. Why did Akaashi even call out to him? Why would Akaashi claim he missed _him_? He should have just pretended that he didn't see him, but why  _did_ he call him out? A tiny ball of hope sprouted in his chest. 

 

Maybe, Akaashi didn't hate him as he thought. Maybe  _they_ didn't hate him. Maybe he was delusional.  _Maybe, maybe he could still retu-_

 

No. Stop it. You're being stupid.

 

_But what about the 'I missed you', though? What if-_

 

Old friends missing each other. Isn't that normal?

 

_But you aren't old friends! You guys were-_

 

Destroy that hope, kill it and make sure it never returns. He can't be looking pathetic over something in the past, he can't let his emotions control him. He had to be smart, he had to play this carefully. He wasn't allowed to be pathetic.

 

Yet he couldn't even look at Akaashi in the eye.

 

"Akaashi."

 

His name sounded weird on tongue, not pronouncing his name for a very long time. 

 

When they dated, they were all on a first name basis. He was thankful for that, that had meant Kuroo and Bokuto stopped calling him 'Tsukki'. It did sound a little strange when they starting calling him  _Kei_ , after months of calling him Tsukki- and Tsukishima, in Akaashi's case. It of course, surprised his teammates but no questions were asked and they assumed that the four simply got closer after their practice sessions. After they broke up, he started referring to them by their surnames in conversations before just using pronouns and avoiding every conversation about them.

 

Akaashi looked a surprised and a bit sad.

 

"What are you doing here?" Tsukishima asked, breaking the awkward silence. He dreaded the answer because he already had a feeling that he knew it. Asking a question he already knew the answer to. Typical.

 

"Oh, I attend this college." Well, fuck. He had to get out of here now or he'd-

 

His phone buzzed, signaling an new message.

 

Akaashi eyed the younger boy as he took out his phone to read the message.

 

"How have you been, Kei?"

 

 

**From: Tadashi**

tsukkkiii hitoka had to leave can u plssss come i'm lonely:(((

 

 

Perfect timing. Thank you, Yamaguchi.

 

"I've been fine." Tsukishima replied curtly, trying to end the conversation. From the corner of his eye, he could see Akaashi frowning.

 

 

**To: Tadashi**

 

yeah i'm coming

 

 

"Do you want to grab a drink somewhere?" Akaashi asked.

 

 

**From: Tadashi**

 

wait really????

 

 

**To: Tadashi**

 

yeah

 

 

Tsukishima stood up, packing up his stuff as he shot Akaashi a fake smile.

 

"Sorry, Tadashi's waiting for me."

 

"Ah, alright. Maybe some other time?"

 

"Yeah, maybe,"  _Not._

 

"Tell Yamaguchi I said hi."

 

"Of course," Tsukishima replied, before turning around and walking off without a single glance back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's hard for me to put it into words so the writing is kinda bad and y'know i have a bad habit of updating my fics in t he middle of the night so that's why chapters are kinda rushed, lol i literally started sewing two pieces of cloth in the middle of writing this for no actual reason bc i literally did nOt know how to put shit into words ughh, anyways, pls tell me if there are any mistakes and happy reading !!


	5. Chapter 5

A long, long time ago, Tsukishima saved Yamaguchi. Helped him. Has been helping him. Tsukishima saved him from his bullies, insecurities and much, much more so that's why it felt right to help his best friend right back. Okay, so maybe Tsukishima was going to go ballistic on him but who cares, right? It was all for his sake. He simply wanted the best for the tall blond he called his best friend, and hopefully, after this still would be.

 

 _'This is wrong!'_  a part of him told himself.  _'Tsukki is never going to trust you again! He already told you not to butt into his problems!"_

_Well, he didn't actually say that, and technically, I'm not,_ he argued back.

 

Yamaguchi stared at the two older men in front of him.

 

_I'm simply helping them reconcile._

 

_'But Tsukki is going to scream bloody murder at you when he comes, he's going to be more than pisd! He's going to move out and never talk to you ever again!"_

 

Yamaguchi frowned. Was this really a good idea? Tsukishima was surely going to be furious. He shuddered, he could already imagine the cold glare being sent to him. Was his best friend's happiness really worth more than their friendship?

 

He shook his head, slapping himself (and scaring Kuroo and Bokuto shitless, I may add). Of course it was! As long as Tsukishima was happy, he'd be!

 

_'But will he?'_

 

Well, Yamaguchi really wouldn't know, would he? But Tsukishima was definitely not happy right now.

 

That aside, he should really stop talking to himself. Kuroo and Bokuto were already looking at him strange, he didn't need anyone else to think he was mental.

 

**~*~**

 

Tsukishima's heart was still pounding from earlier's encounter. Akaashi was a student here.  _He was a student here._

 

 

He shouldn't be that surprised, really. This was one of the best colleges in Japan and Akaashi was smart. Still, Akaashi was a student here. It gave him a headache to think about it about how he had to avoid Akaashi like crazy for the remaining years. And what would he say to Yamaguchi? That boy was having his suspicions about him, probably having millions of crazy assumptions in mind already. Damn it all, he shouldn't have came to Tokyofor college, he should've just followed his brother's path and went to a community college. 

 

As if. 

 

_It's just Akaashi. Just focus on your studies and never hang around the area after classes. Find another cafe to study at, somewhere further so you won't have to meet Kuroo or Bokuto there ever again._

 

It was crazy to think that he could feel fear from the very people he once loved. Well, more of a fear of meeting them again. Sure, he was curious as to how much they changed but he didn't want to see them. After years, he still felt the guilt for abandoning them just like that, and the very fact his own insecurities ruined the-

 

He clenched his jaw. 

 

_That's in the past. I'm not weak anymore._

 

But of course, that was a lie. Tsukishima Kei was a liar. He was in fact, very, very fragile.

 

**~*~**

 

"So Freckles, why did you call us here?"

 

"More like asked your blonde girlfriend of yours to. Who knew we attended the same college, huh?"

 

"Well.. It's about.. You'll see."

 

Kuroo took a sip from his iced coffee, as he eyed Yamaguchi. He hadn't seen that face since, well, since he left high school. Tsukishima's faithful companion. It used to irk him that Tsukishima always seemed to let the brunette call him by his nickname, but he did kind of understand. Kenma was, after all, his childhood friend. He knew how it worked.

 

Bokuto however, didn't. He used to whine so much till Tsukishima said to simply call him Kei, which worked for the three of them. Bokuto and him were swelling in pride, shouting out  _Kei_ every chance they got, just to show off to everyone in the gym that he let  _them_ call him Kei. Something not even Yamaguchi did. Akaashi didn't show it but they knew he was a tad bit prideful too. He did always seem to say  _Kei_ louder in front of everybody. It wasn't noticeable, of course, but they always seem to know one thing or another about the other.

 

"Freckles, what are we waiting for? I'm bored!" Bokuto groaned out, dragging out his 'o's.

 

The fact that Yamaguchi called them out here for a reason was strange enough. Neither one of them were close to him and they barely talked. It even seemed as if he didn't know about the relationship between Tsukishima and them. It seemed strange to think that, though. Tsukishima was always telling Yamaguchi everything. They were closer than two peas in a pod- another thing that irritated Bokuto and himself. He knew it couldn't be helped, though. Tsukishima has known Yamaguchi for all his life and he only started knowing the three of them in his first year of high school. Despite telling himself that, he couldn't help but felt a little sting when Tsukishima told Yamaguchi things he didn't tell _them_. In fact, he barely told them anything. Tsukishima was like Akaashi, a man of few words. But unlike Akaashi, he didn't express himself freely. It worried him a lot.

 

Yamaguchi seemed to be the only person Tsukishima considered as a friend. The only person whom Tsukishima was honest about his feelings. The person Tsukishima trusted the most. It did hurt to think that, but it knew it was true. But it wasn't like he resented Yamaguchi, though. He just wanted Tsukishima to open up to them, and he knew that's what the brunette wanted as well; for Tsukishima to be more social.

 

Yamaguchi only wants the best for Tsukishima and Kuroo would bet on his life that this meeting probably had something to do with said blond.

 

**~*~**

 

 

Kuroo smacked the intruding hand as it tried to grab some of  _his_ cookies. "Get your own, bro," his voiced muffled, as he stuffed his face with more. Bokuto pouted.

 

"I'm hungry, dude. I haven't eaten since like, this morning! Please give me some, y'know I love you!"

 

Kuroo rolled his eyes, "Maybe I would've shared with you if you didn't steal my meat last night!" 

 

"C'mon that was last night, today is today, are you really going to let your boyfriend starve to death?" 

 

Yamaguchi choked on his tea. "B-boyfriend?"

 

Bokuto blinked, "Um, yeah? We've been together since high school, Freckles! Didn't Kei tell 'ya?"

 

Yamaguchi frowned, "No. No, he didn't,"

 

Kuroo furrowed his eyebrows. So there  _were_ things Tsukishima didn't tell him. He looked over to Bokuto who was probably thinking the same thing as him.

 

"Wait, so you mean after like, what? Three years, you didn't know?!" Bokuto gasped.

 

"Know what?"

 

"That Kei is our ex-boyfriend."

 

Kuroo examined Yamaguchi's face which seemed to turn paler by the second. "T-tsukki was your ex?"

 

"Yeah, he- He didn't tell you?" Kuroo questioned.

 

Yamaguchi shook his head.

 

Tsukishima, his best friend had been hiding this from him for years. At that moment, he didn't know what to feel. Tsukishima hid something so big from him. If he felt betrayed now, he wondered how Bokuto and Kuroo felt. He sneaked a glance at them.

 

Yamaguchi cursed himself for not noticing- not trying to find out. He cursed himself for being understanding, for being respectful to Tsukishima's wishes. For pretending Tsukishima was alright. He may have changed, but he was still the same person from years ago. He was still a pushover.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry i never did update. i was contemplating if i should've rewritten this story, but i decided not to, not until i'm done anyways with it anyways. i was also thinking of rewriting everything in tsukishima's pov bc i'm not really good with third person pov?? well, i should rly stop updating once a month but i didn't really have any motivation lol. i literally just forced myself to sit down after tuition classes and write this shit, and my homework for sch is due tmr, i haven't even started lol. which reminds me, i got suspended from school a couple of days ago lmao, it was for a pretty dumb reason rly. i've nvr gotten suspended in my life ever but like idrc, okay, so tell me should i just start writing this in tsukki's pov bc the quality of the content will probs be better lmao. thks for reading !!


	6. Chapter 6

Bokuto and Kuroo shared a look. They were thinking the same thing. 

 

_What the hell?_

 

Tsukishima told Yamagucho  _everything._ Every secret, every fear, Yamaguchi knew them all. He knew pretty much everything about Tsukishima, hell, it was a huge surprise when they found out the two weren't lovers.

 

Well, apparently not. Apparently the past few years of thinking that was just a waste. And apparently Tsukishima was not as honest towards Yamaguchi as they thought.

 

"Are you sure he didn't tell you? Maybe you forgot-" Bokuto sputtered out.

 

"No, Tsukki has never mentioned the both of you in any of our conversations-"

 

"What about Keiji?"

 

Yamaguchi blinked, trying to recall who that was. He wasn't going to lie; he was surprised. This was the first time in his life he'd ever seen a polyamo, or even heard of one for that matter. It hurt his head to think him very much to think that his best friend of almost nineteen years would be in one, in fact, he didn't even know his best friend was attracted to guys whatsoever. He had always assumed that Tsukishima was straight and he felt a tad bit guilty about that.

 

"No-no. He's only mentioned practicing with the captains of Fukurodani and Nekoma along with a couple of others, so I don't really remember who Akaashi is, but I doubt Tsukki's ever talked about him in that manner.. He never really did discuss about his love life and I assumed he didn't have anyone, or didn't care about things like that," Yamaguchi swallowed, "I didn't even know he liked guys."

 

The three sat in silence, thinking of an explanation for Tsukishima's behaviour.

 

**~*~**

 

**From: Keiji**

 

Guys, where are you right now?

 

 

**From: Tetsurou**

 

cafe,wanna guess with who???

 

 

**From: Keiji**

 

Who? And what time will you guys be home?

 

 

**From: Koutarou**

 

FRECKLEs!!1!!!1keis bff,u rembr him rite???

 

 

**From: Tetsurou**

 

freckles,karasuno's no.12,n idk hes keeping us here 4 sum reason,he said to wait,but we'll start 2 head home if 1hr passed n we're still here

 

 

**From: Keiji**

 

K, tell me everything when you get back.

 

 

Akaashi was sure this had something to do with Tsukishima. He frowned to himself, contemplating on going down to the cafe himself and demanding where Tsukishima was. But of course he didn't do that. He was Akaashi Keiji, he was supposed to be the calmest out of all of them.

 

Oh, who was he kidding? He wasn't calm, he was bursting with emotions. After the encounter with Tsukishima, he simply  _couldn't_ be calm. He  _missed_ the tall blond. All three of them did. None of them even knew why decided to break up. Tsukishima was unclear, just like that. They couldn't read him, they didn't know what went through his mind. It was scary and heartbreaking at the same time; not knowing what the person you loved was thinking all the time and them not wanting to share their thoughts with you.

 

He felt a pang of hurt when Tsukishima avoided his attempt at a conversation with him just now.

 

 _'He's just shocked, he hasn't seen you for years!'_ he comforted himself.

 

_Did you even see the way he acted? It was as if- as if he were scared of you or something!_

 

He choked up. Why would Tsukishima be scared of him? He had always tried his best to make the younger boy as comfortable as he could.

 

 

They all did.

 

They tried, oh _how_ they tried. They tried to get him to talk, get him to trust them, get him to open up to them, and when they though they finally did it, he ran off. Akaashi couldn't help the feeling of uselessness overwhelm him. He felt incredibly useless for not being able to be there for Tsukishima. He felt useless for giving Tsukishima his space  _('Maybe he just wanted someone to come along and NOT give him space, maybe he wanted someone to see through him-")_

 

Akaashi Keiji was a calm man, but he wasn't when it comes to his two lovers, and he definitely wasn't when it came to Tsukishima Kei.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cringed while writing bokuto's text lol. i literally laughed for 10 minutes aft writing that while on call w my friend and i think she's judging. sorry for the short chapter, it's almost 1 am and i have to wake up at 5 for sch tmr but i swore to myself i was going to update no matter what so er, here ya go. happy reading !! p.s. i'm gonna be rewriting this a lot, but i'll tell y'all when the final version will be published lol, k, bye. (literally half this chapter was texts so i'm sorry? lol, i'll try my best for a longer chapter but all this is just to put the story into shape, i'll do the actual editing and shit next time yo)


	7. Chapter 7

The bell chimed as Tsukishima opened the door. He made a beeline towards the counter and placing his order before looking around for his best friend. Finally spotting his brown hair, he made his way over, stomach churning with every step he took when he realised who was with the brunette.

 

"-and I got this piercing a couple of months back. Hitoka was with me and she nearly passed out when she saw the needle going through," Yamaguchi recalled.

 

"Wow, a few years back, I would definitely not have imagined that you'd be able to get a girlfriend," Kuroo snickered, watching as Yamaguchi's face turn bright red. "No offence."

 

"Hey! Hitoka liked me at that time too, okay? I just- I just didn't know how to hold a conversation with girls at that time!"

 

"But really, I'd never have assumed you were into this kinda shit," Kuroo stated, pointing at the multiple piercings on Yamaguchi’s ears. "In fact, I wouldn't have known you were such a cool guy, Freckles!” he quietly added,”Or us, for that matter"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Well, we used to-"

 

Tsukishima turned around and walked off, drowning out the rest of their conversation. What the fuck was Kuroo doing here, with Yamaguchi nonetheless? He narrowed his eyes, cursing in his mind. Did Yamaguchi plan all this? His heart started pounding at the thought.

 

Did he find out?

 

Damn it all to hell. He thought he would've been free but Yamaguchi just  _ had _ to butt in. A mixture of fear and anger filled his heart. He didn't want to see them, he wasn't ready. He hadn't even meant Yamaguchi to find out!

 

_ And yet he did, but how did he? _

 

No, no, no. He felt bad for suspecting Yamaguchi. It was probably a coincidence. Considering Akaashi was in his college, it wouldn't be surprising if they attended a college around here. If they hadn't broken up, that is.

 

But he really didn't care about that. All he cared about was getting the hell away from here and-

 

"Whoops, you okay?" a voice called out as Tsukishima bumped into someone.

 

"Yeah," he muttered, fixing his askew glasses.

 

"Okay cool, 'cause I need to-" the voice paused. "Kei?"

 

Tsukishima felt a sense of deja vu. He looked up and stared at the extraordinary hair in front of him.

 

Of course, God really must have hated him so much for him to encounter three of the very people he didn't want to see on the exact same day. He could already feel a headache coming up.

 

He was tired, he was  _ exhausted. _ In all honestly, he just wanted to curl up in a blanket and eat some strawberry shortcakes with the television blaring out the narrator's monotone voice in a dinosaur documentary. Of course he wouldn't really be watching it, he'd just be crying and thinking about how life was unfair despite knowing many _ , many  _ other people's were way worse. But screw that! He just wanted to be alone, no Bokuto, no Kuroo, no Akaashi, no Yamaguchi. No anyone.

 

"Erm, earth to Kei?" Bokuto called out nervously. Tsukishima stared into his golden eyes. It was as beautiful as Akaashi’s, but not quite.

 

"Yeah?" he replied. His voice trembled slightly but besides that, there wasn't a trace of emotion. He was done anr he wanted to sleep.

 

"What did'ya c'mere for?" Bokuto asked, masking his nervousness with a lopsided grin.

 

"Oh, Yamaguchi called me here. I was just about to leave though."

 

“No, I meant what are you doing in Tokyo-”

 

"TSUKKI!" Yamaguchi's voice squealed from behind him. Tsukishima cringed, thankful for the lesser amount of customers today. He stood there, glaring at the wall behind Bokuto as if it were the one doing him wrong. He could feel the prickling sensation in his eyes but he was stubborn; he refused to cry in public.

 

Tsukishima whipped his head around, meeting the eyes of his best friend. He bit his lip and contemplated for a moment before turning and storming towards Yamaguchi and Kuroo- who seemed a little surprised. Bokuto followed closely behind.

 

Fuck it all, his life was going to shit anyways.

 

**~*~**

 

The heavens were probably laughing at his misery right now. Honestly, if this had happened to somebody else, he would've too. But it didn't.

 

It was kinda comical, really. Not to mention, cliche. Something that happened in movies and romance novels- which was all Akiteru’s fault, he'd like to believe.

 

Yamaguchi had left shortly claiming he had something to do- which was  _ obviously  _ a lie- after he agreed to seat for a cup of coffee, no more, no less. Hell he even skipped out on his favourite shortcake just to get away as soon as possible.

 

He was pissed, fuming, furious at Yamaguchi, the situation, God, his life. But mostly, he was scared.

 

Surprisingly, Bokuto and Kuroo chatted with him normally, not bringing up past events which he thanked God for that. Maybe if they continued with this, he'd have no problems with hanging out with them again, well not hanging out, really, but he wouldn't mind being around them as much as before.

 

He really didn't want to face the past, and all the trouble he’d cause them. He was nothing but trouble.

 

_ You're such a coward. _

He knew he was. It wasn't like he didn't know that.

 

_ You can't even look them in the eye, can you? _

 

He couldn't.

 

_ You hurt them when they tried to help you and you even- _

 

‘ _ I hurt them by being there.’ _

 

The voice shut up, knowing it was truth. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, remembering the past, but mostly, he felt guilt.

 

“Kei! You still haven't answered my question from before, what’re ‘ya doin **’** in Tokyo?!”

 

“I live here now,” Tsukishima stated. “I mean, I'm attending college here, Yamaguchi’s my roommate.” he added, seeing their confused looks.

 

“Oh,” Kuroo said, surprised. “What college do you attend?”

 

Tsukishima paused. Did he really want them to know? What if they started thinking that they were all friendly again? 

_ ‘But Akaashi knows anyways’  _ he remembered.

 

“Well, I actually attend the same one as Akaashi..” he trailed off. “I, uh, met him today.”

 

“Really?!” Bokuto yelled scaring the living shit out of  Kuroo. He smacked Bokuto’s arm.

 

“Really?” Bokuto asked, in a husher tone.

 

“Yeah.” Tsukishima said uncomfortably, remembering what happened.

 

Ah, and there was that guilt again.

 

“What did you guys talk about?” Bokuto asked, oblivious as always.

 

“Nothing much, really. I had to leave soon.”

 

“Huh, but he really missed you, y’know,” Bokuto said in all seriousness. “We all did.”

 

_ That’s what Akaashi said. _

 

Tsukishima tensed, not saying anything as he stared at the brownish liquid in his cup. Huh, it was cold now. Had they been talking for so long?

 

Again, he was captivated by them and forgot about everything around him. And again, he was pathetic. Pathetic for not locking his feelings up deep enough.

 

_ But I’m just trouble. _

 

He had to remind himself that. He  _ had  _ to. He didn’t want to cause them any trouble so he had to stay away. Far, far away.

 

“You know, Kei,” he heard Kuroo say,”Just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean you can lock people out, especially those who are worried about you. You didn’t even tell Yamaguchi about us when we were in high school, hell you didn’t even tell him after we broke up. Sometimes, you think so much in that silly head of yours and you can’t tell the reality. Everyone is worried about you, Kei, Yamaguchi, Bokuto, Akaashi, me. You’re always so distant and you never share your thoughts with anyone. Why is it that you push everyone away? Do you hate it? We’ll never know if you never say it.”

 

“Tetsu-” Bokuto started, only to be cut off.

 

“You know, I used to wonder, and I still do, if you’d actually even liked us before.”

 

Tsukishima promptly stood up and left with his things. He still had half a cup of coffee left but he didn’t care. He could only think of Kuroo’s words and how much it affected him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need to sleep. i'm sorry for not replying to your comments, i mostly fall asleep right after writing nowadays. i was planning on updating yesterday but i fell asleep, and then i planned to wake at 3 am to write but i fell asleep again. ugh.


	8. Chapter 8

_“You know, I used to wonder, and I still do, if you’d actually even liked us before.”_

 

Tsukishima closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then 20, and then 30 and then 40 and then nothing. His eyes remained shut. Akiteru used to tell him, that if he shut his eyes and stayed silent, really  _really,_ silent, he'd turn invisible. That of course was some childish saying that'd never come true. 

 

But he stayed silent. He could hear the ticking of the clock ringing in his ears. Everything was quiet, why wasn't he invisible yet? Ah, it must be because of the shrilling, piercing ruckus in his mind. It must be because he knew that no matter what, he'd always be there. Standing, watching hopelessly like some fool who'd known nothing-

 

Nonono. No. Shut up. You musn't, he reminded himself.  You musn't.

 

He was treading on dangerous waters here. There seemed to be no one on his side. There seemed to be nothing for him to hold on to, it was as if his very existence was pathetic itself.

 

 _Tsukki_ , his phone seemed to say.  _Tsukki, I'm here. You can always use me. To call Tadashi, or to call Hitoka, or to call-_

 

No one. No one else. He had no one. He had no friends. He was alone.

 

* * *

 

"Kei ran off real quick," Kuroo noted.

 

"Why did you say all that to him-" Bokuto glared at Kuroo. There it was, the tension.

 

"He has to face reality," Kuroo said, not looking Bokuto in the eye as if he didn't really mean it. "Not everything in this world revolves around him."

 

 _But this is Kei,_ Bokuto wanted to argue.  _He deserves the world._

 

Kuroo took a glance at Bokuto's troubled face and as Bokuto's thoughts itself singed him, whipped his head back round. Kei deserved everything and they gave him nothing.

 

"Hey, guys," Akaashi suddenly materialised in front of them. Bokuto startled.

 

"A-KA-ASHI!," he whined, suddenly reverting back to his old self. "YOU SCARED ME!"

 

Kuroo watched the interaction between Bokuto and Akaashi. Bokuto's loud voice seemed to disappear into silence. 

 

It was Tsukishima's choice if he wanted to leave. So be it. He'd always respect the blond's decision, and he'd always love him. No, that was an understatement. He'd fall to his knees for Tsukishima, he'd even kill himself for him. There wasn't anything special about him. Maybe the way his honey-brown eyes seemed to light up when the rest of his face was twisted in a scowl. Or maybe the fact that his glossy lips seemed to produce a small smile when he thought no one was looking. Kuroo loved, and loved and  _worshiped_ Tsukishima.

 

But if Tsukishima didn't want to be with them, what more could he do? His heart hurt, his eyes never seemed to be dry and all he could do was stand quiet. He didn't want to hurt Tsukishima more than this.

 

If he could back then, he'd have strapped Tsukishima down and clung to him, and scream at him to never leave him,  _them._ He'd fuck him hard right then and there to remind Tsukishima the love he felt for him. But that chance was over now. 

 

Kuroo watched with dead eyes as his two lovers chatted animatedly, or Bokuto, mostly. He had to remind himself, here was his haven. Right here.

 

And yet, his mind was full of heartbreaking thoughts about Tsukishima Kei.

 

And the worse part was, no one would have even guessed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lateness and the very little actions. i'm sorry my story is mostly full of thoughts, i just think too much. im a senior now so i'm rly rly busy so i'm sorry for the vv slow updates. and shitty updates, i'm aiming for straight as so meh


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn’t until a few days later when Tsukishima reverted back to his usual self.

After the entire ordeal in the café, he’d suddenly kept to himself even more so than he usually did. It was pretty obvious he was pretty shaken up by the whole incident so Yamaguchi didn’t bother him for a while.

The entire time, Yamaguchi kept silent about his question, acting normal around his best friend even though he was dying to know. He knew he had to respect Tsukishima’s privacy but he couldn’t help the hurt he felt.

Tsukishima, of course noticed but chose not to say anything. He appreciated the space Yamaguchi gave him to cool down.

Tsukishima just wished it would have remained that way.

“Tsukki, can I ask you something?” Yamaguchi asked very suddenly one day as they were doing their assignments in the living room.

Tsukishima’s mind screamed every vulgarity in the book.

“What?” he replied curtly, remaining passive on the outside. He knew what Yamaguchi was about to bring up next. He’d been dreading it but he knew sooner or later he’d be confronted about it and judging by the look in the brunet’s eyes, it was about time.

“Why did you..” Yamaguchi paused for a moment, seeming to contemplate on his question. “Were you..”

Tsukishima’s pressed his mouth in a straight line, typing faster and harder on his keyboard. It didn’t go unnoticed by Yamaguchi.

“Have you ever dated?”

“Yeah.”

“Were you ever in a relationship with a man?” Yamaguchi spouted out suddenly.

“I guess you could say that..” Tsukishima mumbled, pretending to concentrate on the essay he was writing.

“No.. Let me rephrase that. Were you ever in a relationship with more than one person?”

“Yes. What are you getting at?” Tsukishima confessed, not stopping once to look up at Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi frowned. “You know what this is about.”

“No. I don’t. Please enlighten me,” Tsukishima lied.

“Kuroo Tetsurou. Bokuto Koutarou. Akaashi Keiji. Now do you have an idea?” Yamaguchi smiled bitterly.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Stay out of this, damn it.”

“Oh, really? There’s nothing to talk about like how you left them without a reason-“

“You don’t need a reason to break up wi-“

“And how you’ve ignored every-“

“Shut up, Tadashi.”

“And how you’ve kept this entire thing from me for so many years!?” Yamaguchi cried out a little more loudly then he’d like to at the end. He mumbled an apology and took deep breaths to calm himself down. “Well, is there something to talk about now?”

Tsukishima gritted his teeth, keeping his eyes on the screen. He’d stopped typing long ago.

“You can stay silent all you want but I’ll be frank with you. Stop living with your head in your ass. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this- I know for sure I wouldn’t have a few years back but you are so spoiled. You’re self-centered and selfish. All you think about is yourself. Do you have any idea how they’ve felt- Do you _even_ care? Don’t you think they deserve an explanation? Why can’t you just stop willowing in your self pity and face the facts- Not everything is about you! How do you think _I_ felt when some seniors whom I barely even know told me that they used to _date_ you?! All these while you’ve said nothing to me and I hope you’ll think about this because right now I’m wondering if you know how much of a stranger I feel towards you right now! What else have you not told me? Goddamn, I feel like a fool.. I’ve been naively telling you everything while it seems like you barely even trust me,” Yamaguchi rambled, sounding a little close to tears at the end.

Tsukishima started to push the lid of his laptop down, Yamaguchi’s words echoing in his mind as he tried to make sense of them.

“Run away!” Yamaguchi shouted, voice full of raw emotion that Tsukishima just couldn’t handle. “Run away like you always do! From your problems, from confrontations, from your friends! Just run and get lost already! But I just want you to remember, that no matter how far you run, life will always manage to chase you down.”

Tsukishima swallowed. He didn’t have words to describe how he felt right now.

“I’m.. Sorry,” Tsukishima muttered genuinely. “I just.. It’s _hard_ for me to say things.” He admitted, not once looking at Yamaguchi as he stood to leave.

~*~

Tsukishima honestly wished Yamaguchi hadn’t released all that on him.

He was lost. He didn’t know where to go to, who to call. _What_ to do.

He brought his hands up to his face as he sat on one of the benches in the nearby park. Everything was so _goddamn_ troublesome. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel hurt from Yamaguchi’s words but he knew he had no right to. He’d kept such a big secret from his best friend that a part of him felt that it was right of him to get mad at him.

 _But I don’t have to tell anyone anything if I don’t want to!_ Tsukishima protested in his mind.

He shut that thought off a few seconds later, not wanting to be in a conflict with himself again.

He knew that he was in the wrong but he just didn’t want to admit it. He knew.

What he did had hurt many around him.

Tsukishima ran his hands further up into his blond locks and dug his fingernails in his scalp. He bit his lip, trying to hold in the overwhelming feelings swirling inside of him.

Everything felt wrong. _He_ felt wrong. Why did he have to hurt everybody? Why did everybody _let_ him hurt them? What was even so good about him? What about him was valuable enough to even matter? Why was everything so, so confusing?

“Kei! Stop that, you’ll hurt yourself!”

His thoughts stopped mid track. He knew exactly who that voice belonged to and it was definitely someone he didn’t want to see right now.

He felt fingers pulling on his hand, caressing it gently. His eyes stung and nose burned.

“Kei.. What’s wrong?” Bokuto asked.

Tsukishima felt him take a seat beside him. He shook his head, too scared that he’d go hysterical if he talked.

“You can tell me! Did someone bully you? I’ll beat them up for you!”  Bokuto proclaimed, trying to cheer the blond up, though it seemed to only make things worse.

“Just leave me be,” Tsukishima replied, trying to sound indifferent despite to tears starting to fall down his cheeks.

Bokuto’s eyes softened in a sad manner. “How can I do that when you’re sitting here all alone, crying?”

“You.. I’m sick of it!” Tsukishima suddenly bellowed.

Bokuto tensed, though he didn’t reply.

“You’re all so stupid! Why must you get so hurt over someone like me! Why does it even matter if I leave or not!? You have each other! It doesn’t matter even if I were to-“ Tsukishima hiccupped, shaking his head at his outburst.

Bokuto pulled the distraught man into a hug, rubbing his back gently as if it would solve all the problems. And to his surprise, Tsukishima didn’t pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof yeah im alive, im so sorry for the super short chapter and the super long amt of time i took for this to update (dont u guys wish it were the other way round?? lol :')) ) tbh i actually forgot abt this story (i mean i didnt but like yeah eek it was insignificant for quite a while) uHM IF Y'ALL ARE STILL OUT THERE THANKS FOR STILL CONTINUING TO SUPPORT + READ THIS N SORRY FOR DISAPPOINTING WITH THE SHORT CHAPTERS AND LONG UPDATES I SWEAR I'LL TRY TO UPDATE THIS SOON WITH A LONGER CHAPTER, I LOVE U GUYS THANKS FOR READING :''')))


	10. Chapter 10

He honestly didn’t know how he ended up drinking coffee with his ex.

Tsukishima wasn’t thinking straight – still isn’t. His mind was starting to ache from the collection of thoughts that was going through it.

Going to the park was a bad idea. He ended up being found by Bokuto – who happened to coincidentally be around that area, sobbing his eyes out like some _damn_ weakling.

He cringed at the memory. And as if it weren’t bad enough, he blew up at him. And then Bokuto held him as he cried and raged. Double cringe.

Though, he couldn’t deny that it felt good being in Bokuto’s arms again. In all sincerity, he was actually glad that it was Bokuto who found him. He had awkward encounters with both Kuroo and Akaashi and he did always find Bokuto the easiest to talk to.

“Kei, your face is funny.” Bokuto laughed from across him.

Tsukishima shot him a glare through red-rimmed eyes.

“Okay, okay, sorry.” Bokuto grinned at him, not sounding sorry at all.

He huffed, folding his arms. His eyes glanced to the series of text messages from Yachi.

“That seems.. Important.”

“It’s nothing.” He croaked out.

“Oh.”

The air that hung around them suddenly grew tense as if Bokuto had suddenly remembered what had happened in the past.

“Hey, I’m sorry about what’d happened with Kuroo that day.”

“Don’t be.”

“I don’t think he meant what he said..”

“Doesn’t keep me awake at night.” It did.

Tsukishima caught the crestfallen look on Bokuto’s face.

“Kei..”

He didn’t reply. Was he being a brat right now? Was what Kuroo and Yamaguchi said true?

Of course it was. How dare he even think for a second that it wasn’t, and that it wasn’t his fault this entire mess came up?

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“My ex?”

“No, wait, no. I mean – “ Bokuto panicked.

Tsukishima had to stifle his chuckle. He felt wrong for that but for some reason, it was hilarious watching Bokuto think so hard for something that barely mattered.

“Wait, are you laughing?! Don’t laugh at me!” Bokuto whined.

“I’m not laughing,” Tsukishima protested trying to keep a straight face at Bokuto’s childlike pout.

“You are!” He protested, smiling widely.

Tsukishima didn’t reply. Bokuto’s smile was contagious and before he knew it, his façade dropped.

“Keiiii!” Bokuto bellowed. Some faces turned and Tsukishima swatted his hands.

“Okay, okay, shut up now.” Tsukishima said.

Bokuto did. He was still smiling and staring at him so intensely with those owl-like eyes that Tsukishima was starting to feel bashful

“What’re you looking at me for?!” Tsukishima questioned, self-conscious.

“I can’t help it, Kei. You’re just so beautiful.”

Tsukishima flushed. He suddenly found his coffee very intriguing.

“You shouldn’t say that, Bokuto..” Tsukishima spoke softly, watching the foam in his coffee.

“Why not? I mean it.”

“It’s just that – “ A pause. He didn’t know how to explain it to Bokuto. He wouldn’t understand anyways.

“We used to date?” Bokuto finished for Tsukishima.

That was enough to revert back to the awkwardness.

Bokuto reached out to grasp Tsukishima’s hand. “It wouldn’t be wrong if we’re still dating.”

Tsukishima could not believe his ears. Was Bokuto really saying what he thought he was saying? He pulled his hand away quickly, rubbing it as if Bokuto’s touch alone had burned.

“Oh.. Yeah.” He said lamely, brushing Bokuto off. It made the latter frown.

“You’re not going to run away now, are you?”

“Huh?”

“You always do that.” Bokuto didn’t pull his gaze away. His eyes seemed to be pleading.

Tsukishima smiled sadly. “I doubt I have anywhere to run to this time anyways.”

“What do you mean?” Bokuto suddenly remembered about Tsukishima’s hysterics earlier on. “Wait is this about when you cried just now ‘cause – “

Tsukishima’s ears turned pink. “Shut up!”

“Why?”

“Because it’s embarrassing..” His voice got lower at the end. He was mortified that he cried in front of someone – Bokuto for that matter. “Look, can we just forget the entire thing and be on our way?”

Bokuto thought for awhile. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“I still want to know why you left those years ago. And you’ve gotta promise not to run away this time.”

“Do we really have to discuss this? Like you said, it’s years ago and I already said that it wouldn’t work out with the long distance thing!”

“Cut the crap, I know you’re lying, Kei. You’re looking to the right.”

“I’m not lying!” Well, not really.

“I’m not leaving and I’m not letting you leave until we have a long, good discussion about the past! And you’re gonna promise me you’re not runnin’!”

“You’re ridiculous, I’m leaving!”

“Kei, I’m gonna cling onto you until you sit your ass down.”

“You’re crazy,” Tsukishima said as he tried to stand up.

Bokuto kept to his word and wrapped his arm around Tsukishima’s waist. “You’re not leaving until we talk!”

“Hey – Let go! People are staring!” Tsukishima tried peeling Bokuto off but the older man was just too strong.

“Keiii!”

“Okay! Okay! Will you behave!? How does Akaashi even deal with you!”

Bokuto shot Tsukishima a wide, toothy grin as if he hadn’t just done what he did. “Because I’m lovable.”

“And absolutely obnoxious.”

Trust Bokuto to make light of a heavy situation.

“Promise me you won’t run off this time, Kei.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Say it.”

Tsukishima almost rolled his eyes. “I promise not to run away,” he drawled out without sincerity but that was enough for Bokuto.

“So what happened back then..” Bokuto trailed off, looking at the blond.

Tsukishima sighed. “It’s complicated.”

“What is? ‘Cause if it’s someone that I can beat up then just say it!”

“I wish it were that simple.” He licked his lips, uneasy.

“Is it that hard to talk about?” Bokuto asked genuinely.

“No – It’s just.. I’m just..” It was hard for _him_ to talk about it. What Bokuto said had some truth in it but Tsukishima still didn’t have the words to explain anything.

“What are you so scared of? Why are you so scared of us?”

“I don’t – “ Tsukishima took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to tell you.”

Confusion sprang its way up to Bokuto’s face. “Wait, do you mean you don’t know why, or you don’t know how to say it? Or are you just saying I’m dumb, which isn’t very nice, Kei!”

“What? No! I mean – “

“Should I call Keij?” Bokuto pulled his phone out. “..Or Tetsurou..?” He was a bit more hesitant about the second question.

“No, don’t.” Tsukishima said a bit too quickly. He definitely didn’t want to see the two right now, especially Kuroo.

Bokuto typed something on his phone.

“Wait – Did you – “  
“Nope, I only texted them that’d I’d be coming back late. Don’t get so worried over it..” Bokuto’s voice drifted into something a little bit sad.

“Oh.” Tsukishima looked down, chiding himself for expressing his panic. “Do they know that I’m here with you?”

“No, ‘cause you don’t want that, right?”

Tsukishima looked away. His lips were pressed in a firm, thin line.

“Kei, I just wish you’d talk.” He honestly wished that too, okay? He just found it hard – scary even – to tell them his feelings. “I miss you a lot and so do Keiji and Tetsurou.”

“Do you guys.. Ever talk about me?”

Bokuto looked surprised. “Sometimes. But you were a touchy subject.”

“I see..”

“Why don’t you want to see them?”

“I actually don’t want to see you either – “

“Hey!”  
“- but don’t you guys hate me?” He was pretty sure in that question, Bokuto could feel his anxiousness. Or maybe he couldn’t, it was Bokuto after all.

“God _no,_ Tsukki. Why would we hate you?”

“Because I’m selfish, and conceited and a coward and I only care about myself.” The words came out before he could stop himself and Tsukishima stuttered. “I mean – “

Bokuto looked him in the eye, dead serious. His eyes weren’t smiling like it usually was. “Don’t you ever say that about yourself again.”

He got goosebumps from the look he was given. “But it’s true! No one likes me. _Why_ should they? I’m terrible.”

“ _I_ love you.”

“Wha – “ Tsukishima’s voice cracked from the shock. His entire face turned a deep red. “Don’t say – “

“Kei, I’ll love you no matter what you think of yourself. Even if what you is true I’ll still love you.”

Tsukishima stilled. Bokuto’s words seemed to echo in his mind. His heart was bursting with a kaleidoscope of emotions – mainly fear and panic and deep _deep_ sorrow.

“This is what I’m talking about! Why would you?! Why would anyone!? I’m horrible, all I care about is myself! I always let my feelings get the best of me and I just can’t help it!” Tsukishima’s eyes stung but he continued. “Everything I do is wrong, okay?! I just know it – I fuck everything up just because I can’t stop these stupid feelings! I’ve hurt so many people, you of all people should know that! And now I’ve hurt my best friend and – and.. And I’m so undeserving of everything..”

Bokuto listened, not saying a word but Tsukishima didn’t seem to notice.

“I just don’t understand,” he choked out. “What’s so good about _someone_ like me. What exactly is so good about me if I keep hurting everyone around me? Isn’t it best if I were to just disappear?” Tsukishima rubbed his eyes to stop the tears.

“Kei, you’re wonderful.” Bokuto called out gently. He slid his hand into Tsukishima’s.

 _But I’m not!_ Tsukishima protested in his mind. _I’ve hurt you and Kuroo and Akaashi and Yamaguchi. All I ever do is hurt people! Why doesn’t anyone hate me for what I’ve done! Because all I ever am is paranoid! Why don’t you hate me?! Why don’t you!?_

A hand made its way to his face. He leaned in to the warm, familiar comfort. “I just don’t get it..”

“You don’t hav’ta.” Bokuto said quickly. “I can’t speak for Keiji and Tetsurou, honestly. But I still love you.”

“I – I love you too,” Tsukishima confessed tearfully. “I always did, even when I left. And I love Tetsurou and Keiji and I’m just so, so sorry!”

Bokuto wiped away Tsukishima’s tears with his thumb. He stared lovingly at the wet, red face. “Then do you want to come and meet them?”

“I can’t – Not after what I did.”

“Are you still afraid they hate you?”

Tsukishima stayed silent.

“But I don’t think they could, even if they wanted to. So what’dya say?”

~*~

The walk to Bokuto’s shared apartment was agonizing. He couldn’t stop the uneasiness bubbling in his chest.

“Maybe it’s a bad idea after all,” Tsukishima told Bokuto.

“No it’s not! Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll agree to you sleeping here for one night!” Tsukishima had filled Bokuto in one what had happened earlier in the day which led to Bokuto offering him stay with them for the night.

Initially, Tsukishima was against it but it was already dark by then and he was definitely _not_ ready to see Yamaguchi.

Well, it wasn’t like he was ready to see Kuroo and Akaashi but Bokuto didn’t listen to any of his protests (“No going back on your word, Kei!”) when he dragged him there.

“Agreeing is one thing..” Tsukishima sighed. _Awkwardness is another._

Bokuto slapped Tsukishima’s back. “C’mon, Kei! Don’t be so negative. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see you!”

“I’m sure they won’t.”

“Keiii, you promised you won’t run this time!”

“Never said I was.” He was thinking about it though.

He beamed at Tsukishima. “Good, ‘cause I’ve already told Tetsurou to prepare his room – “

“What?! You never said anything about – ”

“Well, you know Keiji isn’t comfortable around strangers so Tetsurou offered.”

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes. For sure this was some sort of ploy for him and Kuroo to make up or something.

Bokuto’s grin was starting to faulter under Tsukishima’s glare.

“But I’m not a stranger!”

“Akaashi doesn’t know it’s you who’s coming..”

“Okay, then what about you? I’ll stay in your room then!”  
“Unless you’d like to sleep on the couch with me then sure!”  
Tsukishima raised his brow. “You sleep on the couch?”

“Well, actually I do have a room but we kinda morphed it into a gym and..” He quietly added. “.. a place to dump our trash and for the record, I sleep in their room sometimes!”

Tsukishima snorted. “Okay, then you go share the room with Kuroo and I’ll sleep in Akaashi’s.”

“No can do, Tsukki!”

He twitched at the old nickname. “And why not?”

“’Cause you’re crashing over and I make the rules!”

“Well, just to put this out there – I doubt Kuroo’s gonna be happy about this.”

Bokuto rolled his eyes. “Not with this nonsense again.”

“I’m just saying.”

“You’re feeding yourself lies! No one hates you, stop being so parano – “

“Koutarou?” The door creaked open and the duo snapped their heads in its direction.

“Keiji! I’m back!”

“Welcome back. Where’s your friend – “ Dark eyes widened at the sight – person – in front of him.

Tsukishima offered him a small, nervous smile that vanished instantly.

“Kei?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this was supposed to be longer but i'm a lazy cunt istg i'm sorryyy thanks for reading:))
> 
> also another thing i wanted to address, sorry that i've stopped replying to comments i'm just really really lazy and unmotivated (if u cant tell :')) but pls do know i appreciate EVERY single one of ur comments (even if it's a really dead, emotionless "update")  
> so thanks to all those who comment:'))  
> i'll someday get off my lazy ass n actually reply but i do read all the comments and i do remember who have been commenting regularly xD (nOT THAT IT'S A BAD THING IF U DONT)  
> but yeah, i appreciate all commentors!! and readers ofcourse:^  
> HEHE THANKS FOR READING MY LOVES


	11. Chapter 11

Kuroo wasn't home and Tsukishima thanked the Gods for that. It was unbearably awkward in the living room. Bokuto had gone off somewhere with a feeble excuse none of them bothered to remember so all was left was him and Akaashi.

Akaashi didn’t look upset but Akaashi had always kept his emotions in check and Tsukishima was feeling anxiety wash over him. He didn’t know where to begin – _if_ he should begin speaking. His eyes were well trained on the wooden spirals of the coffee table and he daren’t looked at the older man.

Shallow breaths were taken in within the silence as Tsukishima tried to gather all his courage to speak but all that came was the guilt and temptation to run. Even though he would find it extremely embarrassing, Tsukishima wished Bokuto was here to guide him through this. His pride was big, but the deafening quiet felt bigger and more suffocating.

Akaashi’s reticence and his trepidation didn’t get along. They were making it hard for progress and Tsukishima cursed himself for being afraid, and not being able to take responsibility for whatever shit he’d put them through. Stealing and fleeing. The more he thought about it, the sicker he’d felt – not to mention what had transpired with Yamaguchi.

“So, we’re in the same college,” Akaashi stated.

Tsukishima snapped his head up in surprise and finally had a good look at Akaashi’s face. Forest green eyes that flickered back and forth the room before finding a place on his hands. At least he wasn’t the only one nervous, but he made Akaashi nervous and his heart fell in realisation.

 

_Say something! Say something – anything! You need to say something- Ask him about his major! Ask him about volleyball – Say something-!_

 

“I’m sorry,” he said even though he hadn’t meant to. He didn’t want to approach this topic yet. His mouth scrambled to form words to explain himself but Akaashi interrupted him.

“I forgive you.” It was simple and short which made Tsukishima stare. He hadn’t expected that.

He stumbled over his words but managed to get it out. “Why?”

“Well,” Akaashi looked thoughtful, but a bittersweet smile was present. “Bokuto forgave you instantly as well, didn’t he?”

That was true but also not. He hadn’t apologised to Bokuto yet despite their love confessions. He briefly wondered where that would take them but quickly pushed that thought away to give his attention to Akaashi with a half-nod.

“I guess we’re terrible at getting over our exes. I was never angry for long, neither were Koutarou or Tetsurou. Maybe they were but we really just wanted to know why you did what you did..” he gave Tsukishima a look and the blond knew he had to spill the beans.

Carefully, calmly and cleanly. He knew he had to speak out somehow someday when he met them which was precisely why he didn’t try to. He didn’t feel at all comfortable with these emotions gnawing at him on the inside. He wanted to talk about it, say _something_ but every time he opened his mouth to, he couldn’t.

He’d tried so many times to salvage their relationship, and if he just uttered a word out back then, then none of these would’ve happened. But his pride was too big and the shame of it all was unbearable, and he knew it wasn’t even a big thing, so why couldn’t he?

Tsukishima had sometimes fantasised about meeting them again and explaining everything to them, but what if they thought it was stupid? What if they laughed it all off and told him to brush it off?

No, they weren’t people like that. They would never, so why on earth couldn’t he say anything? What kept him from doing so?

Ah, that’s right. The root of it all was this uneasy feeling at the back of his mind, always creeping around, whispering untruths about everything.

But what if they weren’t lies? What if they were actually real? What if the three didn’t actually like him? What if all he was to them was a pathetic first year? They’d known each other way longer and he was just.. there.

So many what ifs and he’d got caught in them like a butterfly in a spiderweb.

He didn’t want to hurt anyone and yet he did to save himself. He didn’t want anyone to know his shame so he kept it silent. It was like a secret he wanted to bring to the grave but in the end, Yamaguchi found out and everything was messed up and he’d have to show this weak, vulnerable side he’d tried to keep concealed.

“Kei?” Akaashi looked at him concerned and he realized he must have zoned out. “It’s.. fine if you don’t want to speak, we can always another time.” Anyone could tell it wasn’t fine for Akaashi but Akaashi was considerate and Tsukishima felt even worse. Years and he still wasn’t over it? How pathetic.

“No, I want to, just.. Give me some time.” He had to stop running. That was the only way to solve this. It wouldn’t fix anything from the past but at least.. At least this will all be resolved and they would go back to their daily lives. His heart twinged at that but he needed them to be okay.

Akaashi looked relieved and uncertain at the same time. From the corner of his eye, he smiled encouragingly, the way he always did that made Tsukishima’s heart flutter and he swallowed.

Then he told Akaashi everything.

 

~*~

 

“I can’t believe he’d keep something so big like that from me! I mean.. Aren’t we best friends?” Yamaguchi gritted his teeth as he flipped through the channels on the television.

Despite his outburst, there was an obvious underlying hurt. Yamaguchi had mixed feelings about his earlier confrontation. It felt good to finally snap at his best friend but when he came to his senses, he knew how incredibly terrible he’d been and wished he’d stayed calm. That didn’t appease his chagrin much, though, so he called Yachi over to rant and talk about Tsukishima without disclosing any personal information.

The blonde girl almost fainted when Yamaguchi told her Tsukishima was missing and sent a plague of texts over before Yamaguchi got another word out. He somehow managed to calm her down and explain briefly what had happened.

“Maybe he had his reasons,” Yachi said, frowning when he skipped the channel with her favourite drama ongoing.

“That’s what I tell myself every single time! But he’s always keeping things from me, being so.. distant. It’s like I don’t even know him!”

Yachi took a moment to think about his words, and then Tsukishima. Yamaguchi was right. She’d always felt this invisible barrier around Tsukishima and assumed that the only one he let in was Yamaguchi. “Everyone has their reasons for everything and everyone has something they want to hide,” Yachi said, rephrasing the quote from one of her serials. “It must hurt for you though! Not saying that it doesn’t!” Yachi flailed her arms around and Yamaguchi laughed, bringing her into his arms.

“I get what you mean but he’s always hiding his feelings and brushing everything off. It’d be nice if he would just be honest.”

“You gotta give it time, baby boo. Give him time. Tsukishima is a super private person and I know he trusts you the most. I’m sure he’ll tell you eventually.”

Yamaguchi smiled at the endearment, mood lifting. “I guess he will.”

“Oh, but you need to talk to him about it. Apologise and talk to him. Tell him what you feel – I know you’re always so nice and all but you should start considering your own feelings! I’m sure he’ll give you an explanation. In fact, you should text him now.”

“I will. Thanks for listening to me, my flower~!” Yamaguchi smiled, pressing a kiss to Yachi’s pinkish cheeks before switching his phone on to send a text,

“Also, uh.. One more thing.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you go back to that channel? I wanna watch my show.”

 

~*~

 

Akaashi took everything in without a word.

Tsukishima felt better. Not great (how could he be when all the hurt came from his selfish actions?) but better, like a huge boulder had been lifted off his shoulders. Talking to Akaashi was like magic.

The dark haired man was sensible and Tsukishima found himself talking about things more than he’d expected. His honey orbs, unblinking, was far away even as Akaashi’s hand made its way to his lap.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Akaashi told him, expression unreadable.

Tsukishima started to worry again. What if Akaashi laughed at him? He knew he had every right to but it’d hurt – or worse, what if Akaashi scoffed at him and called him pathetic? What if it was all true, _whatifwhatifwhatif-_

A deep sighed rumbled through the air and Tsukishima faced him, fearing and awaiting the disappointment.

But it never came. Akaashi’s hand remained with a tighter hold and his eyes were staring so deep into Tsukishima’s that he felt shy. He opened his mouth but no words came out but even if it did, that didn’t matter because Akaashi beat him to it.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that – I never thought you’d have felt like that and..” Akaashi’s face morphed into that of something upsetting as he reached out to brush a strand of hair off Tsukishima’s forehead. If Tsukishima was surprised, he said nothing about that.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s all on me.” Tsukishima whispered, trying to sound unbothered but feeling like it bothered him a bit too much.

“No, don’t say that. It’s not your fault.”

He gave out a hollow laugh. “I hurt you, and Kuroo, and Bokuto. I ran off without an explanation whatsoever.”

“You were lost, Kei. You were scared.”

“But that doesn’t justify what I did, does it?” Akaashi stilled and he knew that Akaashi knew he was right. “I could have called or texted, or something. Or just given an explanation- Damn it! What is wrong with me!?”

It was strange, hearing his own voice cursing himself out. Most of his bitterness towards himself were uttered in his mind where he could blame it on some mysterious voice but hearing it vocalized and coming out of his throat was a harsh reality that he was the one who hurt them – hurt Yamaguchi. That he was the one who’d given up first, to succumb to this retching fear that’d never have happened.

Akaashi loured at Tsukishima rambling nonsense about himself. He couldn’t stop the words from his mouth, like gushing water from a tap. Tsukishima was never talkative even when they dated so everything pouring at once was new to Akaashi – especially so when they were all sentences of hate directed to himself.

“Tsukishima, stop.” Akaashi stated firmly but Tsukishima didn’t. He went on and on and Akaashi felt a foreign feeling circling him. It wasn’t pity, it wasn’t anger, it wasn’t sadness. It was just.. odd, not in a good way.

“Tsukishima, shut up,” Akaashi asserted again, this time a little louder and Tsukishima did with trembling lips. The hand on the lap went up to a pale cheek soothingly.

“How can you not hate me?” He wanted to know. He genuinely did. Bokuto didn’t hate him and Akaashi didn’t either. Why wouldn’t they? “I’d hate me if I were you.”

“But you’re not. Sure, I was a little ruffled and angry when you first left without a proper explanation but then I wondered what made you leave and why you left so urgently and I’ve wanted to talk to you ever since but you were always gone before I could.”

The days where he’d gone the extra mile to avoid any conversations with seniors from the three school, especially them, came ringing back.

“And you’ve always carried a huge burden on your back and it pains _me_ to see your pain. If only we’d noticed or asked you about it.”

“If only I spoke up..” The remorse in his voice was so strong that Akaashi shook his head.

“That was the past, Kei. We’ve gotta focus on our future.”

A small crease went by Tsukishima’s forehead with Akaashi’s words. “Our future?”

Akaashi blushed, “I meant our futures, not together, _together.._ ” He coughed quietly. “Unless you want to.”

Tsukishima blinked and his cheeks turned a little pink at the meaning of Akaashi’s words. He remembered Bokuto’s words from earlier and felt dizzy suddenly.

But he couldn’t. Not after everything. Even when Bokuto and Akaashi reassured him, he couldn’t. Not him. He was undeserving.

Akaashi watched Tsukishima’s face closely and was about to speak when Tsukishima cut him off.

“Kuroo won’t like it.” There he was again, with his half truth half lie. Half meaning it, half ulterior motives.

“Hm,” Akaashi looked thoughtful for a split second. “Stop saying that, Tetsu still feels for you.”

“No he doesn’t. He completely hates my guts.” Tsukishima stopped, fearful if he’d said more, the relationship between Akaashi and Kuroo would be ruined. He couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t afford to ruin that. Not anymore.

“Why do you say that?” Akaashi’s eyes narrowed with a search on Tsukishima’s face.

He shook his head. “Complicated.” It wasn’t, really. Kuroo had confronted him and left him feeling everything with his hypersensitive self, that was all. But he couldn’t tell Akaashi that, could he?

“Kei, I’ll bet you with my life that Tetsurou still does.”

How could Akaashi be so confident? “Please don’t do that. Bokuto and Kuroo will come for me when you do.”

Akaashi snorted with a smile. “Seriously. I told you before, we aren’t good at getting over our exes, the three of us.”

When Tsukishima looked uncertain, Akaashi reassured him again. “Talk to him, tonight, Kei. He’ll listen and understand just as I did, and Bokuto too.”

Maybe if Akaashi knew about what had happened that day, he’d change his mind but Tsukishima kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want anything to happen just because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He’ll explain everything properly to Bokuto when he can, and Kuroo too, if he’s willing to listen. Then, he’ll thank them for letting him stay over, apologise explain everything to Yamaguchi when he gets home and everything will end there.

No more Akaashi Keiji.

No more Bokuto Koutarou.

No more Kuroo Tetsurou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahahha  
> imma real piece of shit arent i ;)  
> okay, really though, sorry for this super long wait and all but ill be honest, i'm just really not invested in this story anymore.  
> kind of that, but not really. okay, i created this story last year on a whim (actually all my stories are so-) like literally, i was on a skype call with my friend listening to her ranting to me about breaking up with her boyfriend or fling or whatever it is, you get the point and in my other ear was the song 'rockabye' by clean bandit and BAM this story was born  
> no seriously, that's really what happened. as you can tell, chapters arent rly my thing, oneshots and feelings and shit are more of my forte, kind of. not really (hahaha:") i actually have none tbh)  
> so yeah, looking back now, this story wasnt actually supposed to have much of a plot and all and i rly didnt expect ppl to get invested in this story and the more i thought about that, i felt more fearful in disappointing yall bc this is the FIRST fanfiction i've ever made that has more than one chapter (;o my nine-year-old self writing cringy fanfiction that i delete after a week don't count, okay)   
> so yeah, this fanfiction is the epitome of a disaster, i know that, you know that, we all know that;) no like, really, where's the character developement? smooth writing transition? pRoPeR sPeLlInG (i dont have a beta is my excuse uwu)  
> MOST OF ALL, WHERE IS THE PLOT!!!!  
> i really never thought of the plot, honestly, i never really saw it through. i only knew i wanted to write a fic with a breakup n getting back together and DAMN IT rockabye was stuck in my head that time, okay :")  
> so i didn't really have anything to base this fanfic upon, so structure, NOTHING, each chapter, i wouldn't even brainstorm a little before i wrote it, i literally wrote it and had a tab with my already written work.  
> so ofc, i decided that i'm gonna rewrite the hell out of this shit, and yeah i am. was. i tried reading the old chapters in this and cringed so HARD I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA MF DIE OKAY. like omg what nonsense is this - did i really write THAT?! so yeah, i was stuck bc i couldn't refer to my old chapters and as everyone here knows, im a lazy piece of shit so that plus that equals procrastination :)  
> yeah.  
> hahaha.  
> sorry im an irresponsible author :')  
> but basically, what i wanted to say is that, i might drop this, or rewrite it once (if) i get over my embarrassment and have the courage to read through all that, so in the meantime, accept my apology in advance. because i know that dreaded feeling of wanting a new chapter only to find out it's been dropped hahaha. but yeah, if only there was someone who could take over this embarrassment of a fic for me ;-;  
> so yeah, if you see me ever posting other stories and not this, then that's why. but i'll try my best to finish this and again, apologies if the ending is a let down.  
> ;)  
> :")  
> :(  
> thanks for reading!


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